I'm Looking At

I'm looking at a woman, not a young woman, but one with many years behind her, and hopefully a few left in front. I'm looking at her because I know her oh so very, very well. Today I'm looking at her struggling because lately she finds interaction with people increasingly difficult, the outcome of an outing rarely what she had imagined. This is making her angry, twisting her insides, causing her to frequently think, and occasionally say, fuck it. It's not that people are stupid, although she frequently believes they are. No, it's more their negativity, the cannot do attitudes, the myriad excuses for why a project isn't going to work rather than putting energy into actually making it work. She retreats from each encounter, tired and despondent and doesn't emerge again until she feels safe and ready to be seen and heard.

I'm not looking at a coward, or one who tends to shirk her duties and commitments. I'm not looking at a woman who is afraid to jump into the fray, fight for the underdog and give everything she has to a just cause. In the past her lack of filter, her passion for what is right, her big mouth, have all landed her in trouble. Sometimes she is amazed the results of her actions haven't been more serious. I'm not looking at a woman who lives in a dangerous place, although that, it appears, when looking outward at the world, could all change on the toss of a coin.

There is an exercise that she has facilitated but never participated in. I am looking at her contemplating this right now. The exercise entails writing a letter to her 18 year old self. What wisdom would she impart? Would she tell herself to err on the side of caution or to rush in, all guns a blazing? She would definitely write about the changes she has lived through in an ever changing world that favours the rich and condemns the brave. She would like to equip the wide-eyed, unworldly-wise young woman she was back then with the tools to forge a path through the woods that nobody had previously taken. She would like to envelope her in a warm hug every time somebody or something caused her pain or sorrow for herself and for others.

I am looking at a woman who cares deeply. She may not have all the answers but she will keep trying to find them, whatever the cost. I am looking at a woman who is exhausted by the attitudes and actions of some people yet finds great joy in the work of others. I am not looking at a woman who will hide her light for long. Just long enough for it to readjust from dim to bright again. I am looking at a woman.