The Beautiful Darkness

Usually, I don't mind missing out on social occasions, sometimes I actively embrace my own company. So I have to admit that spending a 'just the two of us' Christmas initially sounded appealing, cheap and easy. I wasn't expecting to feel sad, lonely and at a loose end. I should be feeling excited, eager, and happy that we will very soon be in a home of our own again. I am meant to be packing, clearing out our rental, getting things ready for the move. But no, I am distracted, useless, vulnerable, and so, so very weepy, the latter not helped by watching a sad movie featuring the marvellous Helen Mirren as a dying woman. And boy, did she drag it out. Heartbreakingly so.

I am an orphan, but this year, no orphan invitations to drinks, dinner, or even a coffee arrived. But then, I didn't issue any invitations either. I thought I would be fine. As children, our family Christmases were big, noisy, and colourful, with so much food that the table would groan under its weight. Later, as a mother, it became about what I could give, not what I could receive, and the smiles on my boys' faces. Latterly, as migrants, we have hosted many long, boozy buffets, bringing people together who may not otherwise have crossed paths.

I've decided I need to change my relationship with Christmas. Make the most of living in the Southern Hemisphere and get outdoors. Stock up on art supplies and get creative. Focus on writing, reflecting on what has passed and what is still to come. Heading into the New Year, I will concentrate on spending less time worrying about things I cannot change and more time focusing on where I can make a difference, even in a small way, to my health, my family, and my community.

By next Christmas, we will be settled in our new home, and I will have a new qualification, which will hopefully lead to more opportunities. My healing garden will be a work in progress, and I'm pretty sure we will still be putting the finishing touches on the house. We won't dwell on Christmases past, but instead create new, simple, and more meaningful experiences to take us into the future. Today, I will part the curtains of darkness and explore the lightness of being that signifies freedom.